The case of the Mysterious Movie

Preface: To make sense of this story, you need a little background. I purchased an iPhone a few weeks ago and have been playing with it non-stop. Sharon, in a fit of marketing genius, rebranded herself iSharon as she felt she was lacking attention. iSharon also had surgery on Friday to fix a problem in her left eye and was forced to wear a patch hence the pirate references.

iSharon and I were hanging around on Sunday watching TV that we had recorded. A terrible thing happened and we ran out of programs we both enjoyed compromising about and could watch together. That means that the TV immediately gets tuned to HGTV as iSharon clutches the remote close to her bosom in case I try and change channel.

iSharon was dozing in and out thanks to the pain meds for her eye. I stealthily took the remote and tried to change the channel. Like a slumbering guard dog woken by somebody encroaching its territory, iSharon was suddenly awake and indignant that I would even consider changing the channel away from the blessed HGTV and all those unwatched shows on home rennos.

As a compromise, I suggested that we go to the movie store and rent a bunch of movies. At least chick flicks are better than home reno shows and in the long run, a lot less costly. Off we went to Blockbuster and arrived in the rain. The rain isn’t material to the story but wanted to add to the generally lazy mood on Sunday.

I went left, iSharon went right at the video store. We have discovered it’s just better to meet at the counter, fight about the picks in one location rather than arguing all the way around the store. The other patrons also seem to appreciate this and I haven’t received a dark glare since the last time I remarked that watching the last great chick flick was akin to boiling the skin off my flesh and then staking me out in the sunshine.

I perused the movies noticing that anything new or worth watching had already been rented and so the pickings were slim. I did notice a few chick flicks such as “He’s really not that into you” and something about Bride Wars but quickly passed those over knowing that they would not miss iSharon’s all encompassing net. I walk the entire wall and found 2 movies worth wasting time, Lycans vs. Vampires (really bad) and Stealth (haven’t watched it yet).

When iSharon and I met up at the counter, iSharon had another 6 movies including Beverly Hills Chihuahua, He’s Really Not That Into You, Dead Like Me, another chick flick and something else I don’t recall. The careful reader will also notice that I can’t count.

Let me return to Beverly Hills Chihuahua. We were told by a close relative of iSharons’, who shall remain nameless while I cook up suitable revenge, that this was the funniest movie he had seen all year. I’m always up for a good funny movie even about dogs. We paid our outrageous rental fee, promised to get them back by Tuesday at noon (the girl’s eyebrow raised at that given the 8 movies) and then proceeded to the grocery store to stock up on “snackies” as iSharon likes to call them.

Sufficiently bolstered by a sack of “snackies” and movies we drove home. I went off to do something which left iSharon to put in the movie. About 5 minutes later as I’m walking back to the living room (iPhone in hand of course) and I hear some distinctly unlady-like language spewing forth from iSharon. In fact, I would have to say iSharon was taking on her pirate role with great enthusiasm given the colourfulness of her language. Her parrot, Keiko (our little grey cat) had left the area being unperched by the scalding stream of language.

“What’s wrong?” I innocently ask watching a woman discuss sulphur eating bacteria on the screen. I was trying to understand how a movie about dogs in Beverly Hills started like this but thought perhaps it was a thriller…

“They put the wrong f****** movie in the case” was iSharon’s sweet reply. iSharon rewound the movie and it turned out it was The Day the Earth Stood Still (not a bad flick actually and I could have happily watched it again vs. muskie bait dogs in 90210 land).

“Mistakes happen” I said, having being guilty of exactly the same thing except that it was *ahem* something a little more spicy that was returned to the video store.

“Pick something else to watch” I yelled from kitchen. “We can tell them they screwed us over and get the right movie”.
iSharon was not happy and proceeded to put another movie in and start it up. A booming soundtrack cut in sounding exactly the Day the Earth Stood Still except for the profanity being hurled at the TV. I walked into the living room with the snackies and drinks. I noticed that the movie still appeared be talking about sulphur eating bacteria, much like the last movie.

“I can’t believe it, they did the same f***** thing again. What’s the matter with those morons?” iSharon asked, pissed off at the world, her blue eye patch radiating a strange light.

I started to engage my brain a little more and it occurred to me that the chances of the same movie ending up in two wrong boxes and both ending up at our home was a little too remote. I immediately suspected that iSharon had done something to the stereo that makes men breathless.

“Where did you put the disk?” I asked.

Before we get to that, I should explain that being a true nerd, our stereo set-up is large but not complicated thanks to a universal remote control. To do anything, you press a single button, point the remote in the general direction of the TV and it does all the switching for you. I think there is a fundamental problem with women’s eyesight because the remote control is always pointed up when they press the activity button. I think their vision creates a phantom double on the ceiling but I digress.

We have a DVD player (where DVD movies go), an Xbox, a Wii and 2 satellite boxes. I had briefly experimented trying to use the Xbox as a DVD player to cut down the jungle of cables that ran behind the TV. Experienced stereo installers, when confronted with the splendor of my setup, have been known to cry and run out screaming “Mommy” for some reason.

“I put it in the slot” iSharon answered just a touch of pissed off in her voice. She looked rather fetching with her blue eyepatch and touch of colour in her cheeks.

“Show me please, which slot?” I asked, as there was more than 1 potential slot. The American Express commercial about the kid with peanut button on fork feeding it into the VCR was playing in my mind.

iSharon walked up to the Wii and pointed at it. “This slot, it sucked up the disk and glowed green and the movie started playing”.

It’s at this point in a man’s life where he must decided to be right or be happy but this was too good an opportunity for a little fun.

“The Wii?” I asked incredulously. We have never used the Wii to play movies. I figured maybe, just maybe, she had put the movie in the Xbox then pressed DVD on the remote and the movie in the DVD player had started.

“Well it’s all so confusing with all these slots and gizmos, how am I supposed to know where to put the DVD?”
“Uhmm, how about the DVD player?” I responded in my best, you are such a technology peasant voice guaranteed not to get me any sex for a week, voice.

“We have a DVD player?” she asked a little confused by the thought of such simplicity in the stereo.

I pointed at the gizmo that said Panasonic DVD player on the front. I went over, stopped it and pulled the disk out, The Day the Earth Stood Still.

The Wii continued to glow green and happy still not playing the movie it had happily consumed. “You put the disk in Wii”, pressed DVD, which played the disk already in the DVD. “You put the 2nd movie in the Wii and it continued playing the movie already in the DVD player”.

I popped Beverly Hills Chihuahua into the DVD and settled down to enjoy a good laugh. It seems the laugh was on me as there was very little funny about the show except dogs dressed up to as humans. If only I could get those 2 hours of my life back.

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1 Response to The case of the Mysterious Movie

  1. gordon says:

    Too funny but why…… am I so NOT surprised. The two of you belong together so the rest of us can have a laugh and…. regular sex.

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